Following on from the successful vote in 2016 to send the delightful Joe & Jake to Eurovision, the Beeb are putting their faith in our capable hands again with this year’s potential Eurovision entries.
We can’t help but feel Brexit has affected us here. While ‘You’re Not Alone’ felt like a jubilant chant to stay in the EU, 2017’s options are like a wallowing cry for what we’re about to be ripped apart from, with songs like ‘I Don’t Wanna Fight’ and ‘Never Give Up On You’. Could it be that this year the United Kingdom has given up a little hope? After all, we are looking to past X Factor contestants to bring the title home…
Let’s take a look at our options. WE DECIDE!
Olivia Garcia – Freedom Hearts
Ana says: It sounds like she’s singing in a submarine off the UK coastline somewhere… I was hoping for some upbeat, uplifting songs this year and well, this doesn’t quite do it for me. Misfire! My mind kept drifting onto Love Hearts (other sherbet sweets are available) when trying to figure out what a freedom heart was. One of the best voices out of this year’s entries though. No wolves.
Karis says: New Eurovision game idea! Predict the upcoming rhyming word! Slowest to guess she’d rhyme ‘apart’ with ‘start’ downs a shot. I can see it now – this is one of those heart-clutching, wind-machine performances, maybe with a drop to the knees for the bridge. This has potential to be a mid-table success.
Danyl Johnson – Light Up The World
Ana says: Why are they all performing in front of a giant Connect4 board? If I close my eyes, I can totally picture a furniture warehouse advert. Danyl appears to be singing over a Lemmings sample (I may have just aged myself with that reference). Bland, not for me either. No wolves.
Karis says: Oh balls, this really is a song made for a lighting company’s local ITV advert. It’s a little lacklustre, so let’s hope it’s spiced up on TV with a great dance routine and room-wide clapalong. “Hands in the air, kids! Come on! Hands up! Clap with me! Fucking clap with me!!!”
Nate Simpson – What Are We Made Of
Ana says: I’m not a big fan of ballads, I’m never really quite sure how I’m supposed to do shots to them. At one point I got a bit excited as all the hints to a key change were there, but it didn’t transpire. Tease. It reminded me of another song, but didn’t inspire me enough to go figure out what it was. No wolves.
Karis says: Spent the entire song wondering what secrets he’s drowning in. I’d like to have a few secrets with Nate. Big dirty ones.
Salena Mastroianni – I Don’t Wanna Fight
Ana says: I feel like Jamala got the anti-war vibe covered, so acts shouldn’t try to recreate that this year. However, this was the first song I felt like moving in any sort of way to. Sounds like the kind of song you’d hear at a pool bar in Vegas. I find the lyrics a bit annoying though. It might be because I’ve been using the word ‘weapon’ as an insult recently. And now ‘put our weapons down’ is making me think of ‘Put that cookie down‘. Almost reluctantly, this is the one I’m backing. For now. No wolves.
Karis says: Agreed, this is the first real bop, and I can picture us sloshing our Bucks Fizz all over the floor while we dance around. It’s a little whiny but could be our battle cry in May 2017.
Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You
Ana says: Oh, this is only the fifth one? That about sums up my feelings so far about these entries… And is there another The Treatment I don’t know about? This is hardly Drink, Fuck, Fight. Sounds a bit show-tuneish. I don’t like it. No wolves.
Karis says: Back to the rhyming game for this one. ‘Tall’ and ‘fall’ – someone better warn Robbie Williams that someone’s coming for his crown. Um, I skipped through the rest though. Where’s Scooch?
Holly Brewer – Wish I Loved You More
Ana says: I don’t understand. It’s like the lyrics have been translated into English from a ‘How to Write a Eurovision Song’ handbook, rather than having been written in English. And because I’m a child, I laugh every time at “I want to feel myself buzzing”. Fnar. It just all seems a bit sad to me; if you don’t love who you’re touching then be better to yourself and stop touching them. No wolves.
Karis says: Oh yeah, girl, dtmf! Her pride is gone? He found his way next to her? Ignore the preacher and keep on walking alone! If you scrap the lyrics, this is probably the most Eurovision-friendly tune. But, er, it’s all a tad uncomfortable.
Scooch – Flying The Flag
Karis says: Yeah! Just kidding. Sorry. If only we could send Scooch every year until they win.
Don’t worry, we felt this disenchanted before the show last year, and ended up falling wildly in love with Every Single Song in the ESC 2016 (never 4get Serhat, Ivan & Jüri). Tune in to BBC2 on Friday at 7:30pm to cast your vote!